Chews for Cheeses

The cheese, on the Internet at least, does not stand alone. High-ho the dairy-O, the cheese, I repeat, does not stand alone.

You’ll have heard by now about the miraculous grilled cheese sandwich for sale on eBay, a 10-year-old bit of lunch that is minus one bite and plus one putative image of the Virgin Mary. Yes? Deep in the categorical bowels of Everything Else > Metaphysical > Psychic, Paranormal the online auction house will list this item for another five days and change. Last week the auction was removed as being silly; now, definitively, it’s back. Bidding as I write is up to $69,107.69. No word on when they’re going to try carbon-dating the thing.

Experts agree, however, that the auction is still silly.

Yes, Italy has its Shroud of Turin and in Portugal Christ periodically shows up on communion wafers. But leave it to us to see the Virgin Mary in a sandwich.

American: Hey, look. This pimento looks just like that guy from Ben-Hur.
Real Person: What guy?
American: The lead guy, you know, with the chariot. What was his name again?
Real Person: Ben-Hur?
American: Yeah! That’s it.
Real Person: Uh, OK. Actually it does a bit. That’s funny. Here, put it on my sandwich, please.
American: Naw, might be worth something — WAIT!! Oh Lord, it’s MOSES!! It’s a sign! I’ve been given a sign!
Real Person: You voted for Bush, didn’t you.

Here’s the bulk of the auction description by Diana Duyser, 52, of Hollywood, Florida. If it makes your brain squirt out of your ears, just skip it and head down to the rest of the post.

You are viewing an extroidinary out of this world item!! I made this sandwich 10 years ago, when I took a bite out of it, I saw a face looking up at me, It was Virgin Mary starring back at me, I was in total shock, I would like to point out there is no mold or disingration, The item has not been preserved or anything, It has been keep in a plastic case, not a special one that seals out air or potiental mold or bacteria, it is like a miracle, It has just preserved itself which in itself I consider a miracle, people ask me if I have had blessings since she has been in my home, I do feel I have, I have won $70,000 (total) on different occasions at the casino near by my house, I can show the recipts to the high bidder if they are interested, I would like all people to know that I do believe that this is the Virgin Mary Mother Of God, That is my solem belief, but you are free to believe that she is whomever you like, I am not scamming anyone, I would like all potinetal bidders to know that this has gained alot of attention from media personell around the country, On Tuesday November 16, 2004 the Miami Herald will feature a story in thier paper on this phenomon, Also Today which is November 15, 2004 The story of The Virgin Mary In The Grilled Cheese will be aired on Channel 4 News here in South Florida, The story has been told nationwide on radio stations ect. I also would like all onlookers to understand why I am choosing to keep the high bidders ID private, I listed this once before and had all kinds of emails some were nice and funny comments but many were cruel intended, and vindictive, I ignored them but, I do not wish to subject potiental buyers to this form of invasion, The last time this was listed there were over 80,000 viewers, Like I said I recieved alot of emails that were down right cruel intended, I do not care I will not read them anyhow, but you should not waste your time being vindictive, I am asking that only serious questions about the item be emailed to me, not jokes or ridiclous comments, If you have a genuine question please do feel free to email, I am not scamming anyone I am selling this item proivided that there is a serious bid with a payment, SERIOUS BIDDERS ONLY! DO NOT BID IF YOU INTEND TO RETRACT THE BID OR FOOL AROUND, THERE IS NO RESERVE ON THIS AUCTION!! I AM STARTING IT OUT AT THE BOTTOM LINE PRICE THAT I INTEND TO SELL THIS ITEM FOR!!

There is a period in that entry — just one. Can you find it? Hint: it’s in a misspelling. Admittedly that doesn’t cut it down much, but the period itself is correctly placed. Kinda.

But That’s Not All!: Nothing succeeds like success, and imitation is the sincerest form of profiteering. A quick spin through some of the delectables and accoutrements available on eBay this afternoon via a search for grilled cheese:

• For you dotcom dreamers, there are domain names aplenty. And aplenty. And aplenty more.
• Ask yourself: what self-respecting Net Christian could be without a Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich email address this holiday season?
  • Jesus Christ, this sure is a great deal. I mean, a blessed email domain name with over 1 GB of space to do what ever you choose. You can hold 1000′s of pictures and 100′s of illegally downloaded Creed and Mercy Me tracks. An offer like this only happens once. Can’t beat a deal like this. If a piece of burnt toast goes for $70,000 plus, then this should pull atleast a grand. Come on now. Be a good christian and buy this email so you can chat it up with all the nuns. Winner of auction will recieve the password to the email account [email protected]. Act now and go straight to Heaven.
• Virgin Mary not your cuppa cheddah? eBay has already taken down one of the Wesley Snipes cheese sandwich listings, so the given link may not last long. For a long chalk less than $69K you can own Jesus (or is it Elvis?) in the grain of a wood chest, though I think it looks more like Hugh Jackman. This one is definitely The King, though, insofar as it is anything at all apart from burnt toast. Or try the other Elvis, auctioned incognito (but you can just tell). George Bush has a way of miraculously appearing in places he wasn’t invited; why not on bread? If that’s too white even for white bread, proceeds from the print sales of the less-known ODB grill cheese sam’ich benefit the “Hustlas Need a New Set of Wheels” Foundation. Or skip the vagaries of chance entirely, and have these inspired artists create a custom work for you in the bakery product of your choice. Free butter!
  • Not Food! ART! High Carbs! Virgin-esque! Elvis, perhaps the furthest fella from “Baby Jesus’ Mom”, he has finally returned via Grilled Cheese Sandwich – this time Grilled a la Monterrey Jack on fresh Sourdough. Peppered just right! — Beware of EBay-ers trying to scam you with butterless and tasteless art. This is the real deal! And probably the King Himself would have loved to have been displayed on if it weren’t a peanut and butter sandwich … I 100 percently guarantee that I’ve merely altered the bread to resemble Elvis Presley. And in my opinion this appears to be the man himself’s image on slightly burnt sourdough.
  • Recently we have also done a Pop Tart of Madonna and we are working in the studio now to produce a Ho Cake of Britney Spears. We have a lovely portrait of JLo done in muffins. Our Tara Reid Pop Outs uh, overs are to die for … We even have a Texas Sopping Toast with portrait of Anna Nicole Smith. — It is well known that the Florida economy needs a boost after all those hurricanes and we are certain our Lady appeared in Florida to stop all the damage and also help the Bush family win the election because they think God is on their side. If you want Rye or Pumpernickle that will be extra. Can also work with specialty donuts and cakes.
• Can this really be the prodigal sock, returned at last? In the Days of the Sandwich, anything can happen.
  • Once I saw The Grilled Cheese Virgin Mary image … within a few moments this sock re-appeared after being gone for over 2 years. I often ponder the journey of the sock, but only the Cotton One truly knows. I do, however, have no doubt this is a very lucky sock and may bring someone great happiness and/or great fortune. Size: Large
• For the DIY Christian, a blue-state Connecticut sort offers a Virgin Mary grilled cheese printing kit. If you’re not so good with your kitchen hands, pick up a manual to create the grilled cheese itself (“Small moves, Ellie”). One grilled-cheese-sandwich kit started at $1.5 million, but it has been taken down by alert eBay staffers. In fact, I wouldn’t count on any of these links being good for more than a day or so, so click fast.
• If God plays with dice after all, you might run lucky with a Tennessee seller who will make you a grilled cheese sandwich from scratch. Imagine the fame and fortune if there should be a Virgin Mary image in it!
  • This is a real auction for a grilled (more like fried) cheese sandwich. There is no picture because this is a future sandwich. Your sandwich will be made for you by me under the strictest sanitary conditions I can manage. If when it is done it has a image of the Virgin Mary then you can resell it and make a mint or be blessed by it. It could come out like the famous sandwich now on eBay and have what looks like Marilyn Monroe on it. It will contain two pieces of white loaf bread, one piece of Kraft American cheese and that is all. It will have a couple of dill slices in the package with it but sealed in their own baggie. The sandwich will come to you in an air tight container and be delivered via priority mail. Whether or not you will want to eat the sandwich when it gets to you it will be up to you! I will not be responsible for any food poisoning from eating old sandwiches! I would like to make enough money from this auction to pay for my condo.
• Eat, drink, and be Mary.
• I would really like to apologize for that last joke. Sorry.
• TOO LATE — you’ve missed the premiere agnostic grilled cheese sandwich, #1 in a limited edition of 250. But #2 is already up for sale; check back for further offerings. Pity they aren’t running as high as 666, eh? But perhaps a Libertarian grilled cheese can fill your plate instead.
  • This happened on election night 2004. As I was watching the elections, my stomach started festering for some comestibles. A grilled cheese sandwich was in order. Anyway, I cooked one up like grandma used to make me and low and behold there it was - an exact map of the USA with the election ending map. The cheese was right in the cheesey states and the burnt was in the burnt for a second term states. My jaw just dropped and hit the pan. I kept the slice as a reminder of the sad evening. (This item is not for consumption - lack of liberty as a spice just doen’t taste good).
• It’s all about accessories: we know that, but how often we forget. Once you’ve dropped your hard-earned wad for the Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich, what then? You aren’t going to eat it. Ewww. Not even Divine would do that. Fortunately a Kentucky craftsman has prepared a holder for your blessed cheese sandwich. You’ll need a knife to cut it, too, if cutting is ever in order.
  • This item will hold your newly purchased Virgin Mary cheese sandwich, or you can be prepared for any forseen up coming miracle sandwiches. If bid exceeds $5000.00 I will include some cotton balls to help cushion your sandwich and a poorly copied picture of “THE” Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich. … I really hate to part with it, but with the current economic conditions and never ending bills, I must sell.
• Ken risks all in a morality passion play, in which the evil faux-Barbie tempts him with the Cheese of Knowledge. No, Ken, no! That’s not really Barbie! Look at the hair, Ken! Stay true! And beware the plush green Gumby — he has forgotten the face of his father, and wears the face of the Cheese.
• Not everything on eBay is about the sandwich.
• Mysterious ways? Maybe if you look at it right, the cheese sandwich actually has something to say about good works. Maybe this cheap and tawdry moment of low-rent religion and savage idol worship will speak softly and insistently to those who truly do love their God, and the great land of creation all around them. Perhaps — nah, never mind.

Newsday tries to shed a little sensible light on the Holy Cheese Sandwich, for whatever that’s worth: give us any three dots and you’ll have a face, not the hand of God. But then they probably think evolution is correct and real as well, so all ye faithful, be sure not to listen. Damn monkeylovers.

I haven’t met this here Tucker, but I think he speaks for us all on the subject. (Incidentally, the ghost-in-the-toast shading looks more like Lana Turner to me, though I hear others prefer Barbara Stanwyck.)