Doctor My Ears

Dear People Who Think Of Things:

Thank you for a very interesting year. I would like to congratulate you on thinking of plenty of things in 2004 that were previously unthinkable. From the USB Swiss Army knife to yesterday’s Virgin Mary in the Grilled Cheese Sandwich and beyond, you have brought us unexpected entertainment from every quarter. Just think: once upon a time and not so long ago, our lives were humdrum, gray, simple, and satisfying.

But no more. How pale the days when to read you needed a book! How trite the times when to buy a recording you needed a store that sold recordings! How glorious the present, when to buy music you simply need to go for coffee! And how wise the architects, who know that when we pay only three times what that coffee cost a few years ago it is to the benefit of our fellow man, who so grievously needs our dollars! Not that we pay the man who planted the coffee, admittedly, or who grew it, or who harvested it, or who dried it or who drove it to the storehouses; but to the man who owns the name, yes! For he is wise, and will move that money around from place to place, all right, and as it moves little pieces will fall off, just like what happens to my CD’s when I move. And soon everyone will have some! Not, admittedly, anyone who actually needs it, but the future is a bright place! And that man has a maid, surely, and she’ll get a nice Christmas bonus, fifty bucks at least! W00t! It is our Modern Society at work! And who reads books these days, anyway!

Today you have thought of something even bigger and newer and more modern than ever! From now on, I can listen to my favorite tunes just by wearing sunglasses! And hot sunglasses too, Matrix-type sunglasses, with lenses that snap up and earbuds that position along three axes so that I can choose “to control the balance of music and environment” no matter what heavy machinery I am operating or how fast I am driving! I wonder if Vin Diesel would wear them? I think they would look very good on him. I think you should give him a pair and then you can run pictures of him wearing them. This should be a good strategy for selling them! But maybe you already thought of it!

I would like more music and less environment most of the time. But as soon as I get some of that money you are moving from place to place, then I can have a lot less environment and lots more music! Let me know when I can expect some, because I would much rather have the 256 MB version with polarized lenses for $495.00 than the 128 MB version without polarized lenses for $395.00! Because bigger is better, I know. You taught me that!

Now as soon as we can get coffee into the picture, everything will be great! Keep up the good work! Also, now I think of it, Angelina Jolie would look really excellent in these as well. Since you guys are probably busy what with the new product launch and everything, I’ll tell you what, I’ll drop off a pair for her. No problem. So send me an extra one in the right colors and her address and I will take care of it! No need to worry about the plane fare either!

Your Friend,

Linus

P.S. - Please stop it with the Rolex emails already. I don’t want a Rolex. If I need to know what time it is, I check my cell phone. You have only yourselves to blame.

P.P.S. - That guy in the picture has a really big mouth. It’s kind of scary. It’s like he’s trying to eat a melon or something but he got stuck. I think the sunglasses might be hurting him.